Psalm 142:3 says, “When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way.”
A couple days ago I got in the shower- and I cried. A LOT. The shower always seems to me like a good place to cry, for a few reasons: I don’t have 3 little faces looking at me with worry, I can sort through my thoughts in the quiet, and there’s something about the water washing away my tears that is very comforting.
There wasn’t one thing in particular that was wrong. It was more like a lot of little things. The last few weeks had just seemed like they were sapped of joy. You know what I mean? The kind of days that run together and nothing seems to go right. The I-just-want-to-make-it-to-bedtime-so-I-can-sleep-again kind of days. The kind of days that the devil LOVES.
I’m not sure when the sadness started creeping in. Maybe it started last month with the horrific news of what happened in Newtown. Innocence lost. Mistrust in mankind. Maybe it was a much anticipated trip that didn’t go at all like we had planned. 15 days of sickness. A paycheck that came with less money. Concern for our family. Maybe it was ALL of these things combined.
But that morning, while I cried it all out, I suddenly remembered something I had read in my Beth Moore Bible study- it was like I was SLAPPED in the face with it. We are studying the life of David and Beth says this- “No better time arises to count our blessings than when we’re tempted to believe we have none.”
I kept crying but also started praying. The water was getting cold but I didn’t care. I had a lot of self-pity to confess, and a whole lot of blessings to thank God for. Psalm 62:8 says, “Trust in Him at all times, O People; pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.” Believe me when I say this: I wasn’t holding anything back. I let it all out- the good, the bad, and the ugly. He wants to hear it all- He wants us to be REAL with Him.
When I got out of the shower my situation hadn’t changed- but my heart had. Hope was making it’s way back in. I realized that I may never know why things happen, but God does.
I was feeling a little like David, I guess. I was scared. But God is teaching me a lot through studying the life of this man. Beth Moore writes, “David knew God had given him the power to subdue all three enemies (a lion, a bear and Goliath), so why did he feel overwhelmed? It may have been because he had never battled a secret enemy. This time he had members of Saul’s entourage pursuing him with secret schemes.”
We may not be getting up and physically going to war, but believe me, we are battling an unseen force. All day. Every Day. I want to tell you something: I fully believe it is NOT a coincidence that every time I sit down to read my Bible a fight breaks out between my kids. It is NOT a coincidence that every Sunday morning and Wednesday night we have utter chaos in our house. Satan wants nothing more than for us to walk through those church doors with frustration, impatience and regret. He would LOVE it if we were distracted. Mad. Bitter. TIRED. Sapped of Joy.
Ephesians 6:12 says, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Just like David humbly admitted, “rescue me…for they are too strong for me.”, we also need to fall at the feet of God and tell him we need Him. Desperately.
7 ½ years ago my mom, sister and I were getting ready to leave for a young womens retreat. Along with a very good friend, we were going to be leading the music on this much prayed-for weekend. We had been practicing for months, and were so excited to see what God had in store. Just that morning I had called to finalize some things with my mom. Before we hung up I heard my dad yell “I love you, Nik” from somewhere in the background.
5 hours later I was putting away the groceries I had bought for Dave and Emma to have that weekend. The phone rang and this is what I heard - “Nikki, we lost your dad.” My mom’s voice was trembling on the other end of the line. “What?” I said, not quite understanding- I had just talked to him a few hours ago. Everything was fine. Silence. Then I heard the cries, the deep sadness, the confusion. And I knew- my dad was gone. In an instant. Just like that.
I don’t think any of us remember much about those next few months, except for holding on to each other tight and trying to hang on as we braved life without him. God was our strength through it all, even though we didn’t understand.
I often wonder why we spent all those months practicing beautiful ‘God songs’ (as my kids call them) and then never got to go on the weekend. The retreat went on anyway, and God worked wonders on a lot of girls hearts. But the question I always find myself asking is Why then? Why were we totally sapped of all our joy just before a mountain top experience? I don’t know. But God does. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.”
David didn’t know exactly how things were going to play out. But even as he ran from Saul, he fully trusted God’s plan. Sometimes we have to go through unimaginable hard times. I loved this quote from Beth Moore- “The tricky thing about God’s preparation is how He prepares us- even through trials. We find ourselves saying, ‘I’m not sure what I was expecting, but I never expected this’. Painless or painful, enjoyable or distasteful, God always works to prepare us to serve Him, but He rarely prepares us in ways we expect. As soon as we’ve learned one lesson, He brings another. He will continue to work in us until we see His face, because that, beloved, is the ultimate moment for which we’re being prepared. Make no mistake. Jesus will be worth it. Remember, He thought we were worth it too.”
My hope is that we can just lay it all out- talk to God about anything and everything. He wants us to communicate with him. We may not understand why things are happening, but we can rest assured that God is in control. There is an unseen spiritual battle and Satan is working SO hard to discourage us. Don’t let him! Get in the shower and cry it out if you have to, be frustrated, be confused- but talk to God about it. When you start to feel like God has done nothing for you, stop and think about what He did on the cross. And the many blessings He HAS given us!
